the art of resilience: "SURF" TO COPE WITH DIFFICULT TIMES

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Having heard Jon Kabat-Zinn say “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”, and having learnt a lot about resilience from teaching mindfulness to homeless people at the Matthew Talbot Centre in Sydney, I came up with my own acronym (S.U.R.F) to summarise ideas and models that have been helpful to me when crisis hits:

1. S is for Self-soothe, or self-care, using whatever is in your emotional first aid kit to calm your nervous system. If you don't have one, now is a good time to start filling it up. In my first aid kit, you'd find things like 5 consecutive deep breaths that are counted on the the fingers of one hand or the heart-focused breathing exercise from Heartmath.
2. U is for Understand, it's about finding meaning, and moving away from victim mentality. Martin Seligman has identified three Ps that might affect our ability to deal with setbacks: Personalisation, Pervasiveness and Permanence. If you don't take things personally, understand that an event might not affect all areas of your life (as Marc Nepo says: "If peace comes from seeing the whole, then misery stems from a lack of perspective: When we stub our toe, in that moment of pain, the whole world is reduced to our poor little toe"), and see that you don't have to deny you're feeling sad or angry, but that this feeling won't last forever and that "this too shall pass", you will find it easier to stand again after a shock.
3. R is for Reflect: Did this situation happen before? What did I do that worked then? What do I have in my toolbox that helps? Is there a person that has faced similar challenges? What can I learn from them? What would someone I like and respect do in such as situation? What story do I want to tell later about what happened? How can I be the hero of my own story and turn this crisis into an opportunity?

Psychologist Edith Grotberg, Ph.D., believes that everyone needs reminders of the strengths they have. She urges people to cultivate resilience by drawing from each of these 3 sources:
·      I Have: strong relationships, structure, rules at home, role models; these are external supports that are provided;
·      I Am: a person who has hope and faith, cares about others, is proud of myself; these are inner strengths that can be developed;
·      I Can: communicate, solve problems, gauge the temperament of others, seek good relationships—all interpersonal and problem-solving skills that are acquired.
4. F is for Face reality, accept what's in front of you moment by moment. Embrace the mess. Welcome emotions like guests:
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"This being human is a guest house.
 Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
 still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight."
-Rumi

Tim Ferris has a great exercise to face your fears that he calls Fear-setting. It's about taking action by defining and writing down what you might afraid of, consider how you could prevent the situation from happening and what damage repair you could do in case what you fear might happen.
What has worked for you and made you more resilient? Please comment below, and if you are interested to find out more or meet people on a journey to become more resilient, my next workshop in Sydney is on the 07th of October, and there are still a couple of spots left. You can book your tickets here.

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